Openness, self-esteem and fairness

Author: Amin Al-Tal

Standing minutes of honest communication is harder than standing a physical fight with somebody. It is also far harder than choosing to
disconnect with somebody, stop talking to somebody, or avoiding somebody.

Openness, self-esteem and fairness "Times New Roman","serif""">

Fairness is something we all want. However, pragmatically, being fair is not easy as
we think.

I claim that becoming fair is far more difficult that fighting for death or
victory.

Interestingly, we all seek fairness, ask for it, expect it, fight for it, and die for it.
When a one is convinced that it is a fair stance, he/she can inside develop
the motives to go through the most difficult situations to protect his/her
rights.

History is full of bloody stories of people and nations that think that they are
right and the enemy is wrong. The efforts they spent in fighting and creating
conflict far exceed the efforts their invested in communicating and sharing
perspectives.

I liked the movie 13 days, which talks about a hot period of time where the
soviet union and USA was to start a preemptive nuclear attack because each
thought that the other would and planned for a strike. The movie show us how
much the president of USA spend in communicating, accepting fear,
experiencing insecurity, tolerating the many military advices to start the
strike. Eventually, and after a difficult, risky, and painful thinking, negotiating,
and communicating, the leaders of Soviet Union could avoid a human
catastrophic tragedy. They could make the world live a better life. They make
a change.

How much we are willing to spend energy, tolerate pain, feeling temporarily
insecure, overcome ego-driven stimulus, control emotions, and confront self
with truth that put our self-esteem into real test, in order to know and see
fairness from the other perspective. How much effort do we spend to change
the life of others and for ourselves? font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""">

Standing minutes of honest communication is harder than standing a physical fight with
somebody. It is also far harder than choosing to disconnect with somebody,
stop talking to somebody, or avoiding somebody. 12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""">

The science of psychology and the practice of great leaders over history prove
that distancing ourselves from others is the easier choice; the choice
everybody can do without harm; it is about escaping rather than facing.

Those who distance themselves from confrontation are the weakest amongst us. They
hide behind a false decision/stance to avoid the hot point of putting their
self-esteem into the real test; the test when the other might blame,
finger-point, or even show clues of attacks and disrespect. Those moments are
real test for your self-esteem because they are stimulus of insecurity and
lowering your self-worth. "Times New Roman","serif""">

Maintaining your ability to continue through such a problematic discussion; for the sake
of serving a positive purpose, is an indicator for your inside-out stability,
and self-worth that flows from within; the values, principles, and ethical
stance you hold deep and strong. font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""">

If conflict is inevitable in social interactions, if emotions are well-known for
distorting our views of reality, and if our long-term prosperity is the
outcome of interdependent relationships, then people would better tolerate
the moments of confrontations with the aim to reach a positive purpose.

As per my findings and observations which involve coaching people and
researching self-growth and psychological references, I can find a direct
link between self-esteem, communication, and fairness.

The more deep and stable is your self-esteem the better you can handle
problematic discussions and initiating one-to-one self-disclosure and
absorbing attack cues of others. font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""">

The more your self-esteem is vulnerable; you tend to be very sensitive to critics
and less able to tolerate new self-knowledge, and hence less able to tolerate
problematic discussions. Absorbing attack cues is a far more difficult.

The signs of feeling of vulnerability are many; including initiating a counter
attack and getting deeper in point fingering and blaming during the session
rather than seeking a solution, or even avoid the session itself and rather
decide to disconnect.

A one with vulnerable self-esteem is less able to negotiate, communicating,
share and accept the perspectives of others, and becoming closer to a fair
position in life.

Fairness, again, is the hard choice, because it is the choice of accepting that our view
to reality might only be distorted view of reality. We fear realizing that
our view might not be right; or that our behavior might be wrong, because we
link our self-esteem to what we think is right. 12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""">

Have you started finding the obstacles? It is in our heads (psychological belief
system).

Set of beliefs that tell you that you are only worthy if you have the right view
of reality. These beliefs link your self-esteem/self-worth to your everyday
positions in life (at work, at relationships, etc.). A position is something
you believe it is right and other positions are wrong.

It triggers a distorted thought that shows you that you are only worthy if your
position is right. Consequently, we find it hard to change or accept that our
position (view of reality) is not right because it means that I am less
worthy, competent, lovable, etc. font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""">

Such a distorted though shows you that you are stronger if you stick to what you
already know, believe or do. Bye, bye for change

So what is the better, healthy, psychologically and socially rewarding belief?

It is the one of openness, life learner, true leaders, and change agents.

Instead of linking your self-worth to being right, and to your current position, link
it to the behavior of looking for the better truth.

The idea is: I am worthy if I find something better and pursue it.

I am a one who –above all- is looking to find the truth. My current thoughts of
what I think is right are temporary hypothesis which can be changed or
modified when I find something better. font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""">

People are smart, creative and intellectually rich, and I can find something
valuable in their view to reality. font-family:"Times New Roman","serif""">

Maintaining my incorrect or distorted view of reality, leaves blocks opportunity for
improvements. So I would rather seek the better nicer truth all the time.

I am a one who –above all- is looking to find the truth. I am unconditionally
worthy, and become richer intellectually and behaviorally if I discover a
better pathway.

Thank you very much,